Take Me To The River

"All I know is you will be enough… Take me to the river, pull me off the shore, here within your freedom I have found my reason, I am yours… Let the water rise, far above my head"

      I remember attending Desperation Conference two years ago(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZB-Oz5bW8WM) hearing this song, and feeling it just tug at my heart. For that weekend, this became the cry of my heart. Let the water rise, far above my head! I was tired, tired of sitting on the edge, toes in the water, too afraid to step in, much less dive head first. I have always sat on the edge. Writing this, I went back and forth between the words "have" and "had"… either "I have always been on the edge" or "I had always been on the edge" If I say "I had" that means it is in the past. It is no more. The reason I struggled with this wording was because I hadn't truly decided in my heart if I was ready to take the plunge or not. I think the reason I struggle with this, is because I'm scared, scared of failure, scared of disappointing my God, scared of disappointing myself. Scared of the unknown. I'm worried I won't have what it takes. I'm worried I will fail. I'm worried I will fall short. I'm worried I won't be enough. I realize, as I write this, I am saying "I" to much. You see, it's not about anything "I" can do, but all about what my God can do. I am not enough. I have never been enough. I will never be enough. But He is enough.  Today, I sit here, tired, still tired, tired of being too afraid to allow myself to become completely immersed in this love relationship with my Heavenly Father, my King, my Prince of Peace. What will I choose? To say have? Or to say had? I realize, I need to say had. Not because I don't struggle anymore; struggling is not in the past, but what is in the past, is me sitting on the edge. Yes, it is scary, a scary thing to say, to say confidently. It means there is the chance to fail. Along with the chance to fail, though, comes the chance to succeed. This is a long journey, I know, but one worth taking, and I'm glad I can plunge into this journey, as I meditate upon these words, "Jesus said to them, 'It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick; I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.'" (Mark 2:17) I don't need to be perfect for God to use me. Thank goodness! I just need to be willing, and that I am. I am ready for something deeper, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes.